itsadrizzit

Football RPF: Say Yes [Podfic]

Sun, 06 Jan 2019 00:28:00 GMT

Rating: General Audiences

Fandom: Football RPF

Relationship: Dele Alli/Eric Dier

Summary: Eric keeps meaning to ask Dele out. He has everything planned out, but something or the other keeps popping up. Featuring Dele completely oblivious to Eric's attempts.

Performed by: ItsADrizzit

Written by: kaixo

Notes: Thanks to kaixo for blanket permission to podfic. Recorded for WhiteHaru37 for the Informal Twitter Podfic Exchange 2018.

M4B [19.41 MB, 00:27:04]
MP3 and streaming [9.17 MB, 00:27:04]

comments

Honey and Clover: Adolescence Revisited [Podfic]

Sun, 06 Jan 2019 00:20:23 GMT

Rating: General Audiences

Fandom: Hachimitsu to Clover | Honey and Clover

Relationship: Nomiya Takumi/Yamada Ayumi

Summary: Nomiya battles once again with a suit he long thought he had outgrown. Set after the entire series. .

Performed by: ItsADrizzit

Written by: springgreen

Notes: Recorded for WhiteHaru37 for the Informal Twitter Podfic Exchange 2018.

Audio Notes: The music version has some audio at the beginning and end and under the header information and closing credits. A non-music version has been provided for those who prefer that format.

Music Version:
M4B [13.57 MB, 00:18:54]
MP3 and streaming [10.11 MB, 00:18:54]

Non-music Version:
M4B [11.46 MB, 00:15:56]
MP3 and streaming [6.02 MB, 00:15:56]

comments

Harry Potter: The Relative Truth [Podfic]

Sun, 06 Jan 2019 00:12:29 GMT

Rating: Teen and Up Audiences

Fandom: Harry Potter - J.K. Rowling

Relationship: Neville Longbottom/Luna Lovegood

Summary: Luna knows the truth about who she is and whom she loves, and that's what really matters in times of war. .

Performed by: ItsADrizzit

Written by: rotaryphones

Notes: This podfic has queer themes and a trans female character. But! There is some exploration of queer-phobia and homophobia in the other characters' reactions to the trans character.

Thanks to rotaryphones for permission to podfic this.

Recorded for the Informal Twitter Podfic Exchange 2018 for twitter user @myriadroads. I hope you've enjoyed this.

Audio notes: The music version has some audio in and under the header and more audio at the end of the podfic. A non-music version has been provided for those who prefer that format.

Music Version:
M4B [56.46 MB, 01:19:11]
MP3 and streaming [37.53 MB, 01:19:11]

Non-music Version:
M4B [54.72 MB, 01:16:45]
MP3 and streaming [27.63 MB, 01:16:45]

comments

[Podfic Meta] Thoughts on Podfic Cover Art and the Unnecessary Barriers to Podficcing

Fri, 01 Jun 2018 01:09:58 GMT

For the audio version of the post below, please click HERE.

Thanks must go to kaixo and analise010 for their invaluable contributions to this post.

This has been crossposted to Tumblr and AO3.

Fellow podficcers, from newcomers tp those who have been around even longer than me, I have some thoughts to share. There has been some discussion lately about podfic covers and the way that we all say they aren’t expected, yet also rarely post without them--even going out of our way to commission them from others if we don’t have the time/inclination to do them ourselves. I want to empower us all to change this.

My part of this discussion came about while watching someone get into podficcing for the first time. She is a prolific writer and I've recorded many of her fics. She's friends with several podficcers and has embraced the art and championed the cause of transformative works statements amongst other writers. She's undertaken podfic a bit as an academic exercise in that she wanted to try it so she could better understand the process of creating podfic and what goes into it. She's set a goal of a target number of hours of work and a target number of fics to record in order to understand the process and see whether or not podfic is for her. Watching someone undertake podficcing from a scientific perspective and posting detailed notes about what she struggles with along the way has really opened my eyes to all the little things involved in creating podfic that I take for granted. Most of these things have a pretty steep learning curve. Reading about her undertakings, I'm struck by the thought that podfic doesn't have the low barrier to entry that I thought it did.

( Read more... )

comments

WIP Week: Day 2 (Monday)

Tue, 20 Mar 2018 02:27:40 GMT

I’m still working on the same thing I worked on yesterday and not following the themes because this story isn’t supposed to be very long and I honestly just want to get it done. Plus, today’s theme is your “AU WIP” and I haven’t actually started writing my AU yet (I’m using this as a warm up exercise, as it were) and the only other WIP I have that technically qualifies as an “AU” is only AU because it was based around the ‘Vincent stays at Spurs in 2017/2018′ and that’s honestly still too sad for me to deal with even though I do think it could be a pretty great story.

Anyway! I managed like 1300 words today (and still haven’t finished this scene…heyo!) even though I only wrote for an hour because I had to waste most of my evening doing boring adult things like showering, feeding myself, printing tax documents, and ordering garden plants for the alleged spring that we’ll be having at some point in time.

Straight up continues from where we left off yesterday although the writing is EVEN LESS EDITED since this is all 100% new content and doesn’t have previously written material mixed in. So….I guess this is straight from my brain into your eyeballs. Sorry for that. No one should read my fic in this state. NO ONE.

Also sorry that it very abruptly stops in the middle of a thing. I don’t usually do that, but my brain is too tired to continue tonight. I’m pulling a Hemingway and stopping just as I get to the interesting bit so I’ll be excited to pick it up again tomorrow (or something like that).

Fic: Maybe It Will All Come Back to Me

Fandom: Football RPF – Tottenham Hotspur

Pairing: Christian Eriksen x Vincent Janssen

Rated: General Audiences

( EVEN MORE RAW AND UNEDITED!!!!! )

comments

WIP Week: Day 1 (Sunday)

Mon, 19 Mar 2018 03:34:09 GMT

So...long time, no write (although not as long as most years, I suppose).

I owe you all a few postings of some fanworks and hopefully I'll get to those soon. I also meant to do a quick review/recs list of what I thought was the best of ITPE (the Informal Twitter Podfic Exchange) and perhaps that will still happen, although I may have to give a re-listen to some things before I get to that.

Right now, though, there's a challenge going on over on Tumblr called "WIP Week" that challenges people to put in some work on their works in progress. While I have multiple and thought about trying to honour the themed days of the challenge, I ultimately decided that my efforts would be best spent actually trying to complete one solid draft of my newest WIP and the only thing I have attempted to write for the entire duration of 2018 thus far. It's past time and I have solidified a solid structure/flow (which was a big part of why I wasn't working on it--it didn't know where it wanted to go), so I want to try to get it done to move on to other, bigger, more challenging, more terrifying, more exciting projects.

So...I'll be cross-posting my Tumblr entries on the subject over here, just for fun and accountability and out of some weird sense of guilt that I never actually post in this journal.

Today for WIP Week I was writing a scene where Christian is thinking about how he’d finally gotten back into a normal rhythm and routine and sleep pattern, adjusting to life without Vincent, when Vincent showed up and stayed with him for a week and threw everything off again. This leads into a flashback (it’s a sort of current event triggering flashback framing story sort of thing) where Christian is remembering how hard everything was for the first months after Vincent left and how he’d been unable to sleep and had needed to drag himself through training, etc.

In the middle of the scene, this song came up on my playlist (it’s my Chris x Vince playlist, so really every song is somehow appropriate for what I’m working on), and I just sort of stopped writing and closed my eyes and let myself try to channel these feelings for a minute.

I don’t think I captured them in the chapter, but they’re in there hanging over it, begging to be let out. This might not be the fic that does it. I may never actually write the fic that does it. I know what happens in Chris’s life when Vincent leaves and I allude to it often and say I’ll write it, but who knows. Every time I start to write the fic outlining it, I can’t write that fic and i end up saying “this needs to go in this direction instead”, so perhaps it will forever live on as a headcanon I can verbally (or via stream-of-consciousness writing) throw at you if you want to hear it, but it may never be a story and that’s okay.

Still…these feelings are there and hopefully once I come back into this and start revising i can coax them out.

For now…I share with you today’s work. It’s in it’s raw form–I’ve not edited, I’ve not revised, I’ve just written. I make no claims on quality or coherency or correct use of the English language (or the Dutch language, tbh), and I’m a bit afraid to share it here because I almost never let anyone in on the process at this early stage of development, but that’s the spirit of WIP Week, I suppose, so here it is, presented for all of you with every single one of its failings and flaws. Hopefully it will be better by the time it sees the real light of day as published work.

Enjoy–we’re deep in Chris’s head and he’s actually having feelings for once and everything is still heartbreaking, welcome to my tragic world.

( Maybe It Will All Come Back To Me - Part 2 - Draft 1 )

comments

Fandom Snowflake Challenge: Day 9

Wed, 10 Jan 2018 01:50:11 GMT

Day 9

In your own space, post a rec for at least three fanworks that you have created. It can be your favorite fanworks that you've created, or fanworks you feel no one ever saw, or fanworks you say would define you as a creator.

Ahhhh self-rec day. It's weird because it used to be that i would say "I don't know that I have three things that I am extraordinarily proud of, but like...this year I created content on a larger scale than years past so I actually HAVE three things.

To be fair, though, one of them ends up as a simultaneous self-rec and rec of a related work because I see the two as inextricably linked at this point.

Also, I was telling myself I should talk about something that WASN'T football RPF, but you know what, ehhhhhh I like what i like and I do the work I do. I made a lot of podfic this year in a lot of fandoms I don't usually record in and they are lovely and had I not done all this work writing my own fics for football rpf I would probably be exceedingly proud of them, but they were just sort of.....a thing I did and have no real sentimental attachment to, which is unusual when it comes to my fanworks. It's a bit of a mentality shift. I could also talk about ALL my football rpf fics this year because I'm proud of all of them. I might. I might not. Is it gauche to just say READ EVERYTHING I EVER DID? Maybe, but it's my journal, so...

So, here are the works and then I'll elaborate under the cut:

Loose Ends [Podfic] - football rpf (Dele/Eric Dier)
We're Less Than Half as Close as I Want to Be - football rpf (Christian Eriksen/Vincent Janssen)
Merry Christmas, Here's to Many More - football rpf (Christian Eriksen/Vincent Janssen)
Five Times Christian Eriksen Helped his Teammates with Their Problems - football rpf

Yes, yes. Lack of diversity. I know what I like and I like what I do. It's also all from this year. I have quite a few older podfics that I like, but this year was all about me getting back into writing and I'm pretty comfortable with where I am as a podficcer, but where I am as a writer has grown by leaps and bounds this year and still has so far to go, so I'm going to talk about all these things

( In which I fail to sell you on why my work is great and mostly talk too much... )

comments

Fandom Snowflake Challenge: Day 8

Tue, 09 Jan 2018 02:24:47 GMT

Day 8

In your own space, share a favorite piece of original canon (a TV episode, a song, a favorite interview, a book, a scene from a movie, etc) and explain why you love it so much. Leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.

Okay. So, Wow.

I actually struggled today to figure out what I wanted to talk about, not because I didn't know, but because there is SO MUCH. It's funny, because I say all the time "I'm pretty mono-fannish". And that's mostly true when it comes to the fanworks I gravitate towards creating and less true when it comes to the fanworks I gravitate towards consuming, but IT IS A HUGE LIE when it comes to canon source material I enjoy. So, I had to think, out of all the things you enjoy and all the shows you watch or books you read or football teams you love or video game(s) you play, what stands out. What are like...THE THINGS that grabbed you and moved you.

It's interesting, right, because I think I consume things differently than much of fandom. I've watched shows and movies with people and watched them shriek and screech and wriggle around and gasp and laugh and I........don't. I just don't. I'll cry if something is particularly sad (by which I mean relatable, like, I know what that feels like because I have been through it or can imagine being through it), but it's never like full out sobbing, just like, oh I teared up a bit at that part because it was moving. I just don't have the extreme reactions to things that others do (football is an exception. Football is always an exception. I rarely get through important/impactful football matches without a lot of whale-like noises and folding into myself or collapsing facedown onto the sofa. It's more about player interactions than the actual match 95% of the time though--digression)

So...what moves me. What canon material so impacted me to deep levels that it provoked some strong emotional response? Well...........let's start with the single episode of television that almost broke me and had me not once, but twice, pausing the episode to sit on my sofa with my face in my hands sobbing uncontrollably. Those of you who have been around for a while may know what this is. I've seen it once. I own the season of the show on Blu-Ray and I HAVE NEVER WATCHED IT AGAIN despite us now being more than five years removed from its occurrence. Even now I was going to find the video and was like......do you want to do it? Are you ready? I don't think you're ready.

Of what do I speak, friends???

Doctor Who (new Who). Season 7. Episode 5. Angels Take Manhattan.
( Read more... )

comments

Fandom Snowflake Challenge: Day 7

Sun, 07 Jan 2018 18:03:26 GMT

Day 7

In your own space, create a love meme for yourself. Let people tell you how amazing and awesome and loveable you really are.

I'm never really sure exactly what to do with these things. Like, do I leave you a link to my work and you praise it? Do you generally talk about how great I am. It's funny because I never use this journal so I have like three followers probably and I'm not sure how familiar anyone is with me or my work. So...

I guess comment as you will. Say what you want. I'm not here to ask people to validate me. I mean, *I* think I'm pretty amazing, but y'all are entitled to your own opinions.

If you want to learn more about my work you can visit my AO3 page.

If you want to read all about the rest of my life and hear my random yellings about football and all the ridiculous shit that goes on in my life you can follow me on Twitter (it's locked, so it helps if your usernames match what you have on here or if you indicate somehow who you are or that you're fannish or check out my Tumblr.

Okay? Okay.

comments

Fandom Snowflake Challenge: Day 5

Sat, 06 Jan 2018 02:51:37 GMT

Day 5
Recommend a fannish or creative resource.

Not a lot to say today, although I'll recommend a few things for podfic fandom, especially those looking to get into podfic, since that's a question I sometimes get asked:

Podfic_tips - A livejournal community where people post entries with questions about anything and everything related to how to do podfic things (recommendations for microphones, tech stuff, audio editing, sound stuff, accessibility, best practices). It's a bit hard to search due to the way it's structured, but there is some REALLY good advice here and it's been going on for quite some time so it's a great repository of knowledge.
Podfic 101 Tutorial by Paraka - old, but still a reasonably good podfic 101 tutorial post that will walk you through the basics of what podfic is, asking for permission, finding a fic, recording, basic editing. It's Audacity-centric as opposed to GarageBand. I won't link you to the GarageBand tutorial since unless you have the old version of GarageBand or a version you can use with legacy settings it won't help you much anyway. If anyone knows of/has an updated GarageBand tutorial with the newer versions, I would be much obliged if you pointed me in its direction.
amplificathon - A DW community (there used to be a livejournal equivalent, but I don't know that anyone uses it anymore) where you can find A LOT of podfic. This started as a community to host the amplificathon podfic fest each spring where people would make WHOLE BUNCHES of podfic and post them here, but really people post there all year round now. It also used to feed the audiofic archive, although the archive has been experiencing some hosting issues of late, so I'm not sure everything is ending up there or whether they've been able to restore some of their lost files. Still, you can look through the amplificathon site and find SO MUCH PODFIC if you want to.
Auralphonic - A podcast about podfic. It comes out monthly and covers a wide range of topics from tech stuff to fandom-specific recs to general talk about podfic. Good discussion about asking for podfic permissions, audio editing, best practices, tons of things. I highly recommend it if you're at all interested in getting into podfic or are even just a podfic listener who just wants more info.

Enjoy!

comments

Fandom Snowflake Challenge: Day 4

Fri, 05 Jan 2018 19:00:45 GMT

Day 4

In your own space, create a fannish wishlist. No limits on size or type of fanwork; just tell us what you’d like to see. Leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so. And if you grant a wish, do the same thing!

Once more I'm a day late to the party, but I'm hoping I can manage two posts today and get caught up. In this case, the biggest item on my wishlist has been stated much more eloquently by others and there has been much discourse around it in the past day since everyone else posted, so I will just link you to some conversations happening here and here before I add my thoughts since I rather feel like the person who showed up fifteen minutes late to the meeting and burst in with my brilliant idea that everyone has already finished discussing. I keep telling myself someday I'll be relevant. I keep being wrong.

That done, here is my wishlist in no particular order. It gets a bit self-indulgent and existential in parts, as is the way of any wishlist I manage to throw together:

Transformative Works Statements
Time
Curated Rec Lists
More podficcers in my fandoms

( Read more... )

comments

Fandom Snowflake Challenge: Day 3

Fri, 05 Jan 2018 01:34:43 GMT

Day 3

In your own space, post recs for at least three fanworks that you did not create. Leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.

So, this is a weird thing to say, but recs are hard for me. I don't want to have to say that, but I have this weird thing where:

(1) I can't REMEMBER anything, so I have often consumed AMAZING fanworks and knew they were AMAZING fanworks and then sort of...forgotten they existed. Which is sad, but I sometimes go through my AO3 bookmarks like "what IS this?" and it turns out it was a really great work that had a lot of impact on me and I had forgotten it and I read it again and it seems vaguely familiar but it's not this instant recognition thing. Bright side, I get to enjoy it again.

(2) in many instances I can't parse things. I'm on the autism spectrum, which means I see things as sort of universally good or universally bad (or in this case "enjoyed" or "didn't enjoy") which makes it hard to assign relative rankings to works. So something that is SO AMAZINGLY IMPACTFUL often gets ranked the same as something that was pretty good, but not overly memorable.

(3) I never know how to tell people WHY I enjoyed a work or WHAT I enjoyed, I just sort of...know I enjoyed it. Like...this affected me in some way and therefore I connected to it. I don't usually ask why. I'm a highly emotional person so if something tugged at an emotion or made me connect to it in some cryptic way, it becomes "I like this thing" and I just let that be what it is.

That said, there are works I come back to from time to time, so I will share those with you here. I will probably miss some, but here are ones I know for sure impacted me in some way for some reason. Due to point 3, they are offered with minimal explanation because the only thing I will have for you consistently is "they were good and I liked them" which is unhelpful.

I encourage you to check all these out and leave feedback, especially since many of them are in smaller fandoms or are older works or are podfics and probably need your love.

( Read more... )

comments

Football RPF: Under the Mistletoe [Podfic]

Wed, 03 Jan 2018 04:11:10 GMT

Cover art by: ItsADrizzit

Fandom: Football RPF
Rating: Gen
Relationship: Christian Eriksen/Vincent Janssen
Characters: Christian Eriksen, Vincent Janssen, Kevin Wimmer, Toby Alderweireld, Tottenham Hotspur F.C. Players
Additional Tags: Christmas, Mistletoe, Holidays, Pining, Singing, Me singing off key but probably not as offkey as I should.

Read by: ItsADrizzit

Written by: kaixo

Summary: Christmas brings a gift that Vincent doesn’t want or need, nor can he ill afford to accept, but he takes it anyway.

MP3 and streaming [19.2 MB, 00:45:28]

M4B [32.3 MB, 00:45:28]

Notes: This podfic features a brief talkback with some reader's notes and some audio outtakes at the end.

comments

Fandom Snowflake Challenge: Day 2

Wed, 03 Jan 2018 04:00:34 GMT

Day 2

In your own space, share a favorite memory about fandom: the first time you got into fandom, the last time a fanwork touched your heart, crazy times with fellow fans (whether on-line or off-line), a lovely comment you’ve received or have left for someone. Leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.

I actually have a few instances to talk about, all of them over the past year.

The first is a locally hosted/run event for the podfic community, Podfication. This year was the second year of the event and although I attended the first year and I enjoyed myself and met some truly great friends there, I didn't feel like I had hugely connected with people (for a lot of reasons, mostly me not knowing how to socialise). So, I went into year two thinking, okay, well, I'll know some people and I'll try to be more social this year and that's fine. They'd implemented a podfic buddy system that I participated in and my buddy was SO GREAT about integrating me into things, etc. and it felt so good to have that. I am hugely appreciative to KLB for that and am glad she was my buddy! That said, I was sort of blown away with how many people who had been at the event in year one but I hadn't really spoken with because I was bad at speaking with people/participating REMEMBERED WHO I WAS from the previous year, even though we hadn't interacted online at all in the interim. It was this moment where, for the first time, I felt like a real, actual member of the podfic community and not just someone who hung out on the periphery and made podfics over here in her little corner of fandom where no one else is really making podfic. I had gone in expecting to sort of still be a fringe participant and for the first time I felt like I was an actual member of the community and that people knew who I was, and that was really special to me.

Second, pod_together. This was my first year participating in Pod Together, which is a fandom fest where authors team up with podficcers and write a story specifically to be podficced, then the podficcer records it. This year I co-wrote and co-recorded the story, and my co-collaborator and I decided that since the fic really had quite an ensemble cast in it, we could use more voices. It was in a fandom where there are VERY FEW podficcers and none of the people I had direct connection with in the podfic community were in the fandom, so I didn't really expect a lot of interest. When I asked the mods if they could find me up to seven voices, I thought we'd probably get a few and people would just take multiple roles and that would be fine. Instead, we filled all seven roles in less than half a day and everyone was SO GREAT to work with and I was just blown away by the willingness of people to help with my project even though they had no idea what was happening in the story or who these people were.

Third, and DEFINTELY not least. for Christmas this year, two of my fandom friends analise010 and kaixo teamed up to create a fic/podfic (pod together style) JUST FOR ME. My main pairing is a rarepair where I create much of the content (although kaixo indulges me far too often, really!) and analise010, while she's my adopted fandom sibling, is NOT AT ALL in this fandom and doesn't really know anything about it. Yet analise010 reached out and asked if kaixo would write a fic and then kaixo wrote multiple fics (both of which were great) and let analise010 choose and she chose THE SUPER LONG ONE and it's an AU that I wanted to exist but knew I couldn't write and it's truly an amazing fic. I will always treasure this in both written and audio form as a coming together of two friends I wouldn't have were it not for fandom. It was a truly, truly, truly special and humbling moment for me and I don't think I can ever express my appreciation fully.

comments

Fandom Snowflake Challenge: Day 1

Mon, 01 Jan 2018 19:30:38 GMT

Day 1

In your own space, talk about why you're participating in Snowflake and, if you’ve participated in the past, how the challenge has affected you. What drew you to it? What did you take away from it? What do you hope to accomplish this year?

I'm participating this year mostly because I had a great second half of 2017 in terms of connecting with fandom (at least my small subset of fandom) and I want to keep that going. Since I operate mainly in the realm of small(ish) fandoms and rarepairs within those fandoms, I've always done well carving out my niche of a few people, but felt like a bit of an outsider in fandom as a whole since I wasn't into the big spaces where most of the conversations were happening. In 2017 I charged back into writing and started having conversations again and it has felt SO GOOD to do that.

My fandom goals for 2018 (make more podfics, work on a VERY LONG AU series) will mean I'm probably not writing big things with deadlines all the time and will both free up space for me to do things at my leisure and reclaim my life outside of fandom, but! they will also mean I won't be producing content as regularly and will feel a bit of the distance from fandom. So, I thought this would be both a good way to sort of centre myself and set my intentions, keep myself posting and engaged, and possibly get to know a few more people along the way so that when I'm not active and engaged in writing and constant creation of fanworks I can still keep some of the good feelings going.

I've never participated in the Snowflake Challenge in the past, but have enjoyed reading friends' posts and thought it seemed like something worth doing, so here I am. I'm just hoping to see what comes of it all and perhaps get myself some more concrete goals for my fandom life in 2018.

comments

2017 ITPE Dear Podficcer Letter

Sun, 24 Sep 2017 19:17:40 GMT

Dear Podficcer,

I should possibly just change my journal theme to "place I write almost the same post about stuff I like once a year", although things have changed this year. As always, I'm sure I'm still missing things. Also I'm not into that many of the big fandoms, so I hope I'm not making it too hard for you. I promise you that I will love whatever you gift me. The fact that someone took the time to make anything just for me is enough of a great feeling to make me happy and grateful to you, no matter what.

With that, here's me trying to provide you some guidance in whatever ways I can.

Fandoms/Pairings (In some order of popularity...at least based on how I feel today):

Football (soccer) RPF. This is pretty much the main place I hang out these days.
- Pairings:
  - Christian Eriksen/Vincent Janssen (I'm one of very few people making fanworks here and have either written the fic or podficced the fic, but if you can find something/want to repod a thing/want to podfic the fic I wrote and haven't gotten around to recording yet, then by all means, friend, please do the thing.
  - Dele Alli/Eric Dier (good stuff here. See my friend kaixo for quality work with BP--so I don't have to be the one recording literally all of her fics)
  - Toby Alderweireld/Jan Vertonghen or Toby Alderweireld/Jan Vertonghen/Mousa Dembele
  - Dries Mertens doing literally anything
  - Stefan DeVrij/Wesley Hoedt
  - Iker Casillas/Cesc Fabregas
  - Iker Casillas/David Beckham
  - Iker Casillas/Sergio Ramos (especially if you give me a we're fuckbuddies because it's convenient and both of us are in relationships with/want to be in relationships with/are angsting for someone else, but you're here and I'm here and we have needs so why not trope.)
  - Juan Mata/David De Gea or Juan Mata/David De Gea/Ander Herrera
  - Daley Blind/Jasper Cillessen
  - Christian Eriksen/Erik Lamela
  - Christian Eriksen/Ben Davies (especially if you can get me in a little bit of an Eriksen/Janssen/Davies love/unrequited love triangle, which is probably only a thing that exists in my "stuff I want" brain and is not a thing that actually exists anywhere else.
- Teams (can be gen fic or the pairings above or whatever):
  - Spanish National Team
  - Netherlands National Team
    - men's or women's...I want it ALL
  - Belgian National Team
    - Caveat here is I despise Eden Hazard, so probs nope on anything Eden is involved in
  - England National Team
  - Tottenham Hotspur
    - Specifically (aside from the pairings above) I will love gen fic of the boys being the boys.
  - Feyenoord Rotterdam
  - Real Madrid
  - Manchester United
    - Super loving the Jesse Lingard/Marcus Rashford dynamic right now
Dragon Age (but not Inquisition!)
- My absolute primary forever OTP across all fandoms and all of time is Anders/Nathaniel Howe.
- Other things I like:
  - Anders/M!Hawke
  - Fenris/Hawke
  - Bethany/Nathaniel Howe (I will love you forever if you can work in some Nathaniel/Bethany/Anders)
  - Nathaniel Howe/Cousland
  - Sebastian Vael/Nathaniel Howe
  - Zevran (I guess mainly Alistair/Zevran or Anders/Zevran, but I also love gen fic about Zev)
  - Isabela/Merril and Isabela/Cullen (if you can find that last one I might scream a little)
  - occasional other things...especially gen fic about people in the DA universe just plain being awesome, but Nathaniel/Anders is always going to be the best
Liv and Maddie
- Yes the Disney channel series.
- Gen fic of the twins being great
- Maddie/Diggie
- Liv/Holden
- Joey/Willow
- Joey/Diggie bro fic
- Joey/Parker bro fic (but seriously only bro fic not actually incest, okay!)
- Liv/Andie
- Parker/Reggie (although I'd prefer either bro fic or them being actual consenting age...shipping kids is squicky to me, but I love Parker and Reggie)
Decendants and Descendants 2
- more here for 2 than 1, but w/e
- GIVE ME ALL YOUR MAL/EVIE
- Also Mal/Harry
- Mal/Uma
- Mal/Ben I guess
- Evie/Doug
Yuri!!! on Ice
- Victor/Yuuri
- Yuri/Otabek
- Phichit being Phichit
- Antics and shenanigans
The Raven Cycle
- Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
- Gansey/Blue.
- Will also accept Gansey/The Pig because no one should love a car that much.
Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries. I haven't read a lot of fic in this series, but I fully believe I'd be 100% behind most of it. Phryne/Jack. Dot/Hugh. Gen fic of them solving crimes and being badasses. Basically whatever.
Once Upon a Time. It's all Emma/Hook for me.
Musketeers. All the things. All of them.
Being Human. Mostly all of it. Love the original cast the most though, but will also read some Hal tries to deal with himself things.
Outlander. Jamie/Claire. Or general Scottish Highland antics and adventures.
BBC Robin Hood. Robin/Marion, Gisborne/Marion. Robin/Gisborne. Any and all gen fic, especially gen fic featuring antics!
North & South. Again a fandom in which I haven't read any fic, but I love the show and love Richard Armitage, so bring it on I guess.
Pushing Daisies. I love this show like an old friend. Gen fic. Everyone being awesome. Solving murders. Love it.
Merlin. Merlin/Arthur or most things with Lancelot or Gwaine Admittedly, I read very little fic in this fandom, but I really enjoyed the show on a deep level so I'm betting if I took the time to get involved I'd be pretty into this fandom.
Forgotten Realms. Not all of it, just the Drizzt universe stuff. I'm a sucker for Drizzt/Artemis Entreri ANYTHING.
The Dark Is Rising book series. Bran/Will. If you find one of these and podfic it for me I'd probably be totally thrilled because it's super obscure.
X/1999 (+Tokyo Babylon) Give me all your Fuuma/Kamui and Seishiro/Subaru and probs also Subaru/Hokuto lbr
There is probably other stuff I like, so feel free to ask me about things. I have anonymous commenting turned on for the duration of the exchange. I watch a lot more shows than this, but don't really get involved in the fanworks side of them, so if you have a great idea that's in another fandom feel free to contact me.

I don't have a huge number of squicks, but I don't really enjoy most pure PWP fic, I don't do m!preg, I'm pretty picky about BDSM and D/s stuff (not that I don't like it, just what I like is pretty specific so the odds of getting the right one are probably worse than the odds of getting the good ones), and body horror situations, anything involving non-sexual bodily fluids (I have a HUUUUGE vomit squick, like...just the mention of the word can give me major panic/anxiety, so please just don't do it in any context, thanks.)

Things I really like

AU's--I really like modern AUs for non-modern fandoms (Dragon Age, Merlin, etc.). I also LOVE football AUs for non-football fandoms. Like, take my Dragon Age characters and make them football player...yes please. For football, I honestly like many AUs--in some cases the weirder the better. The modern/high school/coffee shop/whatever thing is usually less good for football fic because I need the characters to still be themselves and have drive and passion and dedication to their work which is sort of hard when you're like...I hang out in a coffee shop. Seriously, I'm a SUCKER for an AU. I once read a Fernando Torres/Sergio Ramos farmer AU and a Karim Benzema is a rapper in Madrid AU and was like both of these are pretty great, so...AU it up.
Relationship building--I have a HUUUUGE soft spot for the 'this is how we got together" story. The more "slow burn" the better.
Angsty stuff. Seriously...as long as things get resolved at the end, I totally love fic that drags the characters through pretty much the lowest-low and back then ends on some sort of comfort note.
Made families--this may possibly be my ultimate weakness. Even more than AUs.
Secret dating/marriage

Things I don't like

Pure PWP
dub-con/non-con. (not that I don't like it, but basically proceed with caution. I might like it, I might not...totally depends on the situation.)
Character bashing
kidfic
A/B/O and Soulmates dynamics (unless there is a way that the soulmates can manage to have a choice in their lives/destinies). I just don't like the power dynamics at play.
Not super big on the werewolf AU trope.

Feel free to podfic any of my fic here or anything on my bookmarks list or really anything you see fit. I love most things from cute, fluffy stories to serious relationship building, to total angst (as long as it ends on a happy note). Bitter and tragic--super great. Happy mundane hanging out--also great. Zany antics--yep. that too. I will turn on anonymous commenting, so feel free to get in touch with me here, on LJ (at the same name), or on my tumblr at itsadrizzit.tumblr.com if you have questions or wonder if something is okay.

Thanks so much and happy podficcing!

comments

2016 ITPE Dear Podficcer Letter

Tue, 11 Oct 2016 23:47:18 GMT

Dear Podficcer,

Since apparently this is the only thing I use my journals for these days, you can also scroll down one post and read the 2015 post if you'd like, although for once some things have changed. As always, I'm sure I'm still missing things. Also I'm not into that many of the big fandoms, so I hope I'm not making it too hard for you. I promise you that I will love whatever you gift me. The fact that someone took the time to make anything just for me is enough of a great feeling to make me happy and grateful to you, no matter what.

With that, here's me trying to provide you some guidance in whatever ways I can.

Fandoms/Pairings (In some order of popularity...at least based on how I feel today):

Dragon Age (but not Inquisition!)
- My absolute primary forever OTP across all fandoms and all of time is Anders/Nathaniel Howe.
- Other things I like:
  - Anders/M!Hawke
  - Fenris/Hawke
  - Bethany/Nathaniel Howe (I will love you forever if you can work in some Nathaniel/Bethany/Anders)
  - Nathaniel Howe/Cousland
  - Sebastian Vael/Nathaniel Howe
  - Zevran (I guess mainly Alistair/Zevran or Anders/Zevran, but I also love gen fic about Zev)
  - Isabela/Merril and Isabela/Cullen (if you can find that last one I might scream a little)
  - occasional other things...especially gen fic about people in the DA universe just plain being awesome, but Nathaniel/Anders is always going to be the best
Football (soccer) RPF. This is a new recent weakness of mine and I seem to have tripped and fallen. Hard.
- Pairings:
  - Dele Alli/Eric Dier
  - Iker Casillas/Cesc Fabregas
  - Iker Casillas/David Beckham
  - Iker Casillas/Sergio Ramos
  - Juan Mata/David De Gea or Juan Mata/David De Gea/Ander Herrera
  - Daley Blind/Jasper Cillessen
  - Toby Alderweireld/Jan Vertonghen
- Teams (can be gen fic or the pairings above or whatever):
  - Spanish National Team
  - Netherlands National Team
  - Belgian National Team
    - With a major focus on Toby/Jan and on Dries Mertens and not even a little bit on Eden Hazard (although Thorgan Hazard is more than fair game)
  - Real Madrid
  - Manchester United
  - Tottenham Hotspur
    - Specifically (aside from the pairings above) I will love gen fic of the boys being the boys, but also if you can dig me up something involving Vincent Janssen and/or Christian Eriksen that would be some kind of fabulous miracle working
The Raven Cycle. I'm still not convinced I'm here for anything involving Ronan Lynch, but I love Adam Parrish so I can probably be convinced. Also Gansey/Blue. Will also accept Gansey/The Pig because no one should love a car that much.
Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries. I haven't read a lot of fic in this series, but I fully believe I'd be 100% behind most of it. Phryne/Jack. Dot/Hugh. Gen fic of them solving crimes and being badasses. Basically whatever.
Once Upon a Time. It's all Emma/Hook for me.
Musketeers. All the things. All of them.
Being Human. Mostly all of it. Love the original cast the most though, but will also read some Hal tries to deal with himself things.
Castle. Kevin Ryan/Javier Esposito. I really don't ship anything else on this show, but I ship this pretty hard.
Sleepy Hollow (TV). Ichabod Crane/Abbie Mills. That's pretty much it. I'm pretending this season doesn't exist
Outlander. Jamie/Claire. Or general Scottish Highland antics and adventures.
BBC Robin Hood. Robin/Marion, Gisborne/Marion. Robin/Gisborne. Any and all gen fic, especially gen fic featuring antics!
North & South. Again a fandom in which I haven't read any fic, but I love the show and love Richard Armitage, so bring it on I guess.
Pushing Daisies. I love this show like an old friend. Gen fic. Everyone being awesome. Solving murders. Love it.
Call the Midwife. Again, I haven't read a lot of fic in this, but I think I'd love anything mostly. After S4 I really want some Patty/Delia because. Well. Because.
Merlin. Merlin/Arthur or most things with Lancelot or Gwaine Admittedly, I read very little fic in this fandom, but I really enjoyed the show on a deep level so I'm betting if I took the time to get involved I'd be pretty into this fandom.
Forgotten Realms. Not all of it, just the Drizzt universe stuff. I'm a sucker for Drizzt/Artemis Entreri ANYTHING.
The Dark Is Rising book series. Bran/Will. If you find one of these and podfic it for me I'd probably be totally thrilled because it's super obscure.
There is probably other stuff I like, so feel free to ask me about things. I have anonymous commenting turned on for the duration of the exchange. I watch a lot more shows than this, but don't really get involved in the fanworks side of them, so if you have a great idea that's in another fandom feel free to contact me.

I don't have a huge number of squicks, but I don't really enjoy pure PWP fic, I don't do m!preg, I'm pretty picky about BDSM and D/s stuff (not that I don't like it, just what I like is pretty specific so the odds of getting the right one are probably worse than the odds of getting the good ones), and body horror situations, anything involving non-sexual bodily fluids (I have a HUUUUGE vomit squick, so please just don't do it)

Things I really like

AU's--especially the high school/modern/coffee shops/sports/ mundane AUs. Seriously, I'm a SUCKER for an AU.
Relationship building--I have a HUUUUGE soft spot for the 'this is how we got together" story. The more "slow burn" the better.
Angsty stuff. Seriously...as long as things get resolved at the end, I totally love fic that drags the characters through pretty much the lowest-low and back then ends on some sort of comfort note.

Things I don't like

Pure PWP
dub-con/non-con. (not that I don't like it, but basically proceed with caution. I might like it, I might not...totally depends on the situation.)
Character bashing
kidfic

Feel free to podfic any of my fic here or anything on my bookmarks list or really anything you see fit. I love most things from cute, fluffy stories to serious relationship building, to total angst (as long as it ends on a happy note). I will turn on anonymous commenting, so feel free to get in touch with me here, on LJ (at the same name), or on my tumblr at itsadrizzit.tumblr.com if you have questions or wonder if something is okay.

Thanks so much and happy podficcing!

comments

Dear Podficcer Letter -- ITPE 2015

Fri, 09 Oct 2015 13:56:45 GMT

Dear Podficcer,

This is mostly the same as last year, and I'm sure I'm still missing things. Also I'm fairly mono-fannish, or at least I'm not that into big fandoms, so I hope I'm not making it too hard for you. I promise you that I will love whatever you gift me. The fact that someone took the time to make anything just for me is enough of a great feeling to make me happy and grateful to you, no matter what.

With that, here's me trying to provide you some guidance in whatever ways I can.

Fandoms/Pairings (In some order of popularity...at least based on how I feel today):

Dragon Age.
- My absolute primary forever OTP across all fandoms and all of time is Anders/Nathaniel Howe.
- Other things I like:
  - Anders/M!Hawke
  - Fenris/Hawke
  - Bethany/Nathaniel Howe (I will love you forever if you can work in some Nathaniel/Bethany/Anders)
  - Nathaniel Howe/Cousland
  - Sebastian Vael/Nathaniel Howe
  - Zevran (I guess mainly Alistair/Zevran or Anders/Zevran, but I also love gen fic about Zev or Zevran/Isabela or...idk other stuff. I just like Zevran)
  - Pretty much anything involving Isabela (especially Isabela/Cullen if you can manage to round that up)
  - occasional other things...especially gen fic about people in the DA universe just plain being awesome, but Nathaniel/Anders is always going to be the best
Football (soccer) RPF. This is a new recent weakness of mine and I seem to have tripped and fallen. Hard.
- Pairings:
  - Iker Casillas/Cesc Fabregas
  - Iker Casillas/David Beckham
  - Iker Casillas/Sergio Ramos
  - Sergio Ramos/Fernando Torres
  - Juan Mata/David De Gea
  - Daley Blind/Jasper Cillessen
  - Cristiano Renaldo/Gareth Bale
  - Gareth Bale/Luka Modric
- Teams:
  - Spanish National Team
  - Netherlands National Team
  - Belgian National Team
  - Real Madrid
  - Manchester United
  - Tottenham Hotspur
Welcome to Night Vale.Carlos/Cecil. Will also do some gen fic in this fandom if it's cleverly written. I really like fic that's written from the Carlos POV (or really any POV that's not Cecil's) since we basically don't get that in the actual show.
Castle. Kevin Ryan/Javier Esposito. I really don't ship anything else on this show, but I ship this pretty hard.
Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries. I haven't read a lot of fic in this series, but I fully believe I'd be 100% behind most of it. Phryne/Jack. Dot/Hugh. Gen fic of them solving crimes and being badasses. Basically whatever.
Sleepy Hollow (TV). Ichabod Crane/Abbie Mills. That's pretty much it.
BBC Robin Hood. Robin/Marion, Gisborne/Marion. Robin/Gisborne. Any and all gen fic, especially gen fic featuring antics!
Once Upon a Time. It's all Emma/Hook for me.
Pushing Daisies. I love this show like an old friend. Gen fic. Everyone being awesome. Solving murders. Love it.
Musketeers. All the things. All of them.
Call the Midwife. Again, I haven't read a lot of fic in this, but I think I'd love anything mostly. After S4 I really want some Patty/Delia because. Well. Because.
Merlin. Merlin/Arthur or most things with Lancelot or Gwaine Admittedly, I read very little fic in this fandom, but I really enjoyed the show on a deep level so I'm betting if I took the time to get involved I'd be pretty into this fandom.
Torchwood. Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones.
Doctor Who. New Who, almost exclusively. I adore Amy/Rory beyond all imagination. Not a fan of Clara at all. I mostly really like gen fic here, but am open to a lot of things. The only Classic Who I really like is anything involving 5.
Forgotten Realms. Not all of it, just the Drizzt universe stuff. I'm a sucker for Drizzt/Artemis Entreri ANYTHING.
The Dark Is Rising book series. Bran/Will. If you find one of these and podfic it for me I'd probably be totally thrilled because it's super obscure.
There is probably other stuff I like, so feel free to ask me about things. I have anonymous commenting turned on for the duration of the exchange. I watch a lot more shows than this, but don't really get involved in the fanworks side of them, so if you have a great idea that's in another fandom (I enjoy Supernatural (through season 5, but no Wincest...mostly Destiel, probably), Angel, and Buffy...just to name a few.)

I don't have a huge number of squicks, but I don't really enjoy pure PWP fic (unless it's about one of my OTPs mentioned above), I don't do m!preg, I'm pretty picky about BDSM and D/s stuff (not that I don't like it, just what I like is pretty specific so the odds of getting the right one are probably worse than the odds of getting the good ones), and body horror situations (same as the BDSM, when I like it, it's great, but generally it's hard to please me), anything involving non-sexual bodily fluids (I have a HUUUUGE vomit squick, so please just don't do it)

Things I really like

AU's--especially the high school/modern/coffee shops/sports/ mundane AUs. Seriously, I'm a SUCKER for an AU.
Relationship building--I have a HUUUUGE soft spot for the 'this is how we got together" story
Angsty stuff. Seriously...as long as things get resolved at the end, I totally love fic that drags the characters through pretty much the lowest-low and back then ends on some sort of comfort note.

Things I don't like

Pure PWP
non-happy endings
dub-con/non-con. (not that I don't like it, but basically proceed with caution. I might like it, I might not...totally depends on the situation.)
Character bashing
kidfic

Feel free to podfic any of my fic here or anything on my bookmarks list or really anything you see fit. I love most things from cute, fluffy stories to serious relationship building, to total angst (as long as it ends on a happy note). I will turn on anonymous commenting, so feel free to get in touch with me here, on LJ (at the same name), or on my tumblr at itsadrizzit.tumblr.com if you have questions or wonder if something is okay.

Thanks so much and happy podficcing!

comments

[Fanmix] Dragon Age 2: For the Dying of the Day

Mon, 18 May 2015 14:59:21 GMT

Fandom: Dragon Age 2

Summary: Fanmix to accompany Liquid_Lyrium's brilliantly written story about Quinntus Hawke and how he deals (or tries to deal) with his mother's death and her funeral and all the people surrounding him who claim to be his friends...oh, and that thing that happened the other night with Fenris.

Mix is mainly rock, a little alt country, some punk/emo elements, and some jazz thrown in for kicks. It starts out a bit slow and then picks up at the end to match the emotion in the story.

Download: Dropbox (zip) 15 tracks

Streaming: 8tracks.com

Thanks to LiquidLyrium for writing such a great story. I had a lot of fun putting this mix together (which is a funny way to put it considering so much of this story is pretty dark). The story is right in my wheelhouse and it really made me give a lot of thought to the songs I picked.

I hope you all enjoy the mix, and I especially hope you enjoy the story as much as I did.

Story link is here!

comments

[Fanfic] The Hardest Thing About This Love (DABB 2015) -- Part 2

Wed, 13 May 2015 17:12:57 GMT

( Chapter 5: No One Has to Know )

( Chapter 6: My Sweetest Downfall )

( Chapter 7: Things We Did and Didn't Say )

comments

[Fanfic] The Hardest Thing About This Love (DABB 2015) -- Part 1

Wed, 13 May 2015 17:04:47 GMT

Written for Dragon Age Big Bang 2015 and accompanied by the loveliest (very NSFW) art from PollenCount. Art link is here. Rating: Explicit Fandom: Dragon Age Relationship: Anders/Nathaniel Howe, Anders/Male Hawke, Male Cousland/Nathaniel Howe, Bethany Hawke/Nathaniel Howe (friendship) Characters: Nathaniel Howe, Anders, Bethany Hawke, Male Cousland, Male Hawke Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Heavy Drinking, Swearing, Threats of Violence, Reunions, References to past alcohol abuse ( Chapter 1: Dust to Dust )

go in circles round the bend
until we are just friends again and then not even that
sometimes i almost can recall what it was like before we ever met

Nathaniel groaned as a sharp ringing jarred him out of a deep sleep. He lay still until the sound ceased, then held his breath in the dark silence until it started up again half a minute later. So it was going to be one of those nights, then. It figured, actually. Anders had always possessed some sort of sixth sense about when Nathaniel had a full day of meetings and deadlines ahead of him. He let the phone complete another ring cycle and start a third before he snatched it from its place on his bedside table.

“Anders,” Nathaniel’s voice came out deep and rough and he coughed to clear the sleep out of his throat. “What’s wrong?”

“Why does something always have to be wrong? Can’t I just call you? Can’t I just pick up the phone and say ‘Nathaniel, Love, I miss you so very much. When can I see you again’?”

“You can,” Nathaniel said, rubbing his arms against the chill air of the drafty room, “but I’d prefer if just once you decided not to do so at,” he squinted through sleep-bleary eyes, “three o’clock in the morning.”

Anders’ half-drunken laugh on the other side of the phone sent shivers through Nathaniel’s body as his mind went unbidden to the last time they’d seen one another, both of them draped across one another in a hotel room in Highever, empty glasses and bottles littering the table beside them, Anders’ cheeks and chest flushed from drink and sex as he pressed himself against Nathaniel.

“Oh, Nate. Nate my love. I miss you so very much. When can I see you again?”

“Don’t mock me, Anders, I’m tired and I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. I only answered because I knew you’d keep calling until I did. As always you’ve got no respect for the fact that some people have work to do in the morning and might have been sleeping soundly in warm beds. Now. Tell me what you want so I can get back to sleep or I swear to the Maker I will hang up this phone and never answer it again.”

“Sebastian said you called him.”

“He’s right. I did.” Nathaniel shook his head and sighed, climbing from his bed and leaning against the wall to stare out the window into the blackness of the Amaranthine night. “A formality, mostly. I saw a news report about the latest mess at Starkhaven and I knew he’d be blaming himself. We’re friends, or at least we used to be, and I know the family well, so I called to see how he was. No harm in sending my condolences and seeing if there was anything I could do, is there?”

“Anything you could do, eh? Like fuck him?”

What? Nathaniel was wide awake now. He gives Sebastian a cursory ‘displaced noble - to -displaced noble, sorry about your family, I’ve been there, let me know if you need anything’ call and all of a sudden he’s apparently trying to sleep with him? Nathaniel had no idea where Anders even came up with these ridiculous scenarios of his. And anyway, it wasn’t like he had a right to care even if Nathaniel had offered to sleep with Sebastian.

“Umm . . . I’m sorry, what? You think I called Sebastian to ask if I could fuck him? How did you even . . . ? Why would I . . . ? You can’t be serious. Honestly, Anders. I haven’t even seen Sebastian since I left the Marches to head back here after I heard about my father’s death. That was what, six years ago now? Why would I all of a sudden call him up and offer to sleep with him?”

“No idea, but he sure wants to fuck you. All he could talk about at the bar tonight was how you were so sweet to call him and how much he missed you. He’s lucky it didn’t end with my fist in his face, really.”

Nathaniel rolled his eyes and ran his hand through his hair as he resumed his lean against the wall. Right. Because you have any right to start a fight with anyone who might possibly express an opinion about me? Because you have any right to care about my life at all?

“And all of that somehow implies he wants to fuck me?”

“Maker, Nate, who wouldn’t want to fuck you? Anyway, he told me he wants to. We were a few rounds in and he just looked at me with those big blue eyes and that stupid grin on his face and he just said ‘I don’t know how you ever managed to leave that behind, mate’ or some stupid shit like that and then when I shrugged he got all wistful and said ‘what I wouldn’t give to have just one more night with that man in my bed’. He actually said that. Everyone heard him. Hawke can vouch.”

Nathaniel closed his eyes, wishing to the Maker Aedan and Bethany hadn’t emptied all the bottles of whiskey he used to have stashed around the apartment. He needed a drink. Or a hard slap across the face. Or both.

“Anders, you know I didn’t call Sebastian to offer to sleep with him. I’ve beyond moved past that part of my life. So why are you calling me?”

“You know why I’m calling, love.”

There was that voice. Sultry and seductive, filled with longing and desire and pure sex as it echoed through Nathaniel’s body. His heart started pounding in his chest and he had to pull the phone away from his ear so Anders couldn’t hear his breath hitch.

“I . . . ah,” Nat let his breath out slowly, desperate to calm the pounding in his chest, to maintain some level of composure and steel himself against the emotions he could feel starting to stir within him. Letting Anders bait him was far too dangerous. “Anders, we’ve been over this. I can’t just drop everything here and come see you on some whim. Even if I weren’t in a serious relationship, which you seem to conveniently have forgotten about, I have a lot to do. I’m too busy to leave right now even if I wanted to.”

“Fine, then we’ll come to you.”

“Anders, no. Aedan will be . . . did you say ‘we’?”

“Sebastian and I. We’ll come to you if you’re too busy to leave.”

Nathaniel sucked in another sharp breath. He really needed that drink now. Maybe a cigarette. Thanks to a lengthy cycle of rigorous interventions by his friends here in Amaranthine he’d stopped drinking years ago and rarely smoked anymore, although that didn’t stop him from secreting away his packs of cigarettes in small stashes around the apartment in the hopes that Aedan might not find them. He’d always hated Nathaniel’s smoking, from the time Nathaniel had returned from the Marches already well and truly addicted. Aedan insisted that Nathaniel needed to keep himself in shape. For what, Nathaniel didn’t know, it wasn’t as though he was actually going out on assignments these days, but he’d stopped at Aedan’s request. Well, mostly stopped. It seemed dealing with Anders flared up more than one old desire within him. How did this man somehow manage to smash through all Nathaniel’s defenses from a thousand miles away the moment his voice came through a phone line?

“Anders hold on. I’m putting you on speaker.”

“Why? Who’s with you?”

“No one. I’m standing in the freezing cold bedroom in my shorts.” Fuck, Anders would be all over that one. “I need a cigarette,” he added before Anders could say something lewd in response to his slip.

“I thought you quit.”

“I thought I quit a lot of things.” Nathaniel said, shaking his head as he unearthed a crumpled pack of cigarettes from behind a stack of envelopes in the end table drawer.

“Whatever. So we’ll be there tomorrow. I told Sebastian I could make it happen for him.”

“No.”

“Why not? It will be fun. I mean, Sebastian is so not my type, good little church boy and all, but I try to keep an open mind, and it’s as good an excuse as any to come see you. Of course, I’d rather not share, but I will if I have to, mind.”

Nathaniel’s hand shook as he tried to flick his lighter into cooperation. This was too much. He had to stay in control of himself. Stay firm. He could not fall prey to what Anders was offering here. For Anders’ sake more than anyone’s. As usual, Anders had made up his mind about what he wanted and getting him to listen to reason would be damn near impossible, but Nate had to try.

“Anders. Listen to me. You cannot come to Amaranthine. Aedan will be back tomorrow.”

“So what? The whole time I was in the Wardens with you, fucking you brainless every single night, Aedan Cousland didn’t give a fuck, did he? He shrugged it off and slept with whomever he could get his hands on. You don’t honestly believe he’s out on the road doing whatever the fuck it is that he does for weeks on end and he’s not at least stopping in somewhere to get his dick sucked, do you? Why can’t you have some fun once in a while?”

Nathaniel lit his cigarette and took a deep drag, letting the smoke burn down into his lungs until he couldn’t stand the burn anymore and then blew it out, watching the blue cloud curl around him, soaking into the couch, the rug, the drapes. Aedan would be pissed. Nathaniel didn’t care.

“You know that’s not what it’s about, although really, your commitment to relationships astounds me as usual. You know what Aedan said, Anders. He wasn’t joking. He’s the commander and technically you’re a deserter.”

“Oh, please? It’s not like I’m the first person to leave the Wardens or anything. No one told me I was signing on for life when they weren’t bothering to give me a choice about joining them in the first place. This is about Aedan’s particular vengeance against me and you know it. Honestly, I never understood why he hated me so much. Just because I took away his favourite toy and he was too much of a coward to do anything about it. I mean really, how is it my fault that you chose me over him?”

“Anders.” Nathaniel’s breath hitched again and he tried to calm himself. He was over this. He’d long since moved past his endless days and nights of laying alone in the dark, drinking himself blind and wishing the hole Anders had left in his chest would heal. But he could feel that familiar ache rising up as the memories of their shared past came flooding back to him. He’d tried so many times to tell himself that if he had it to do all over again, he’d make a different choice. That he wouldn’t let himself be so completely consumed with this cheeky pre-med student who was hiding out in the Wardens until his latest batch of trouble blew over and instead he’d choose the stability of the man who’d loved him since they were children. But he could never quite believe it. Even though Anders’ abrupt departure had left Nathaniel in the depths of darkness and misery, wishing on more than one occasion that this might be the drink that killed him, he knew he wouldn’t trade those six months of absolute bliss for anything in the world. “Please don’t.”

“No. Tell me. What the fuck did I ever do to Aedan Cousland?”

Nathaniel dropped his half-finished cigarette to the empty glass he’d been using as an ashtray, feeling his chest tighten and his throat close.

It’s not what you did to Aedan, Anders, it’s what you did to me. It’s what you still do to me. I will always love you more than anyone in all of Thedas. I’ll always come running whenever you call. You don’t fucking deserve a single second of my time and I will keep giving it to you anyway. Because like it or not, when you walked away you took my heart with you and there’s nothing I can fucking do about it. I hate it so much. I will never be whole again. I can sleep with Aedan, pretend we’re happy, pretend I love him the way he deserves, but it will always be a lie, because my heart is no longer mine to give. You have my heart, Anders, and you don’t even fucking want it.

Nathaniel collapsed back into the bed, gasping for breath all alone in the darkness with no one to calm him. Anders was a cancer inside of him that he could never shake. No matter what he did, some little bit of Anders would always live in him, consuming him from the inside out until Nathaniel finally succumbed. To what, he had no idea. Perhaps death. Hopefully death.

The only possible cure, Nathaniel knew, was to break contact completely. To fully distance himself from Anders. No more phone calls. No more emails. Nothing. He had to end that part of his life, no matter how hard it hurt, until maybe one day he’d wake up in the morning and that piece of Anders that was inside of him would just be gone. hen maybe he could start to fill that space with someone else. Bethany and Aedan had insisted that this was the only feasible solution for years, but the idea of losing Anders entirely—not being able to call him if things got desperate, knowing he’d never look into those honey-brown eyes or run his hands through that shining golden hair or press his mouth against stubble-rimmed lips that consumed him so hungrily—the idea of that was even now too much to bear. But it had to be done. It was the only solution to end this cycle of pain he knew he and Anders were putting everyone through.

Nathaniel sucked in a deep breath and thought of Aedan. Of the way his eyes had burned as he swore to Anders and Nathaniel both that the next time he saw Anders, it would be the last. He’d sworn on the graves of his dead parents that he would personally put a bullet through Anders’ chest. A harsh declaration, even for quick-tempered Aedan Cousland, but Nathaniel knew Aedan had meant it. That meant Nathaniel needed to do everything in his power to make sure the two never met again. Sure, Anders had destroyed the love that he and Aedan had once shared and left a rift between them that would never be repaired, and he had done it all without apology, but that didn’t mean he deserved death.

Anders was beautiful and brilliant – more brilliant than anyone else Nathaniel had ever known. In the six months he had served with the Wardens he’d revolutionized their medical protocols and introduced advanced procedures to help save the lives of not only the Wardens, but the people of Amaranthine who were impacted by the fighting. Anders might have been selfish, shallow callous, and uncaring, but no one had any right to take that smile, that laugh, that beautiful mind from the world. If never hearing this voice or seeing that beautiful face again meant saving Anders’ life, then Nathaniel knew what he had to do. He had to let go of that piece of his heart, forever. Say goodbye to it and resign himself to the hollow emptiness that would always settle there. It was certainly better than watching his best friend blow his whole world to pieces with a single, perfectly-aimed shot.

“Look, Anders. I don’t . . .” Nathaniel struggled to keep his voice from breaking, but he was sure Anders could hear the waver in his tone. “Don’t come here. Not today, not tomorrow, not next week, not ever. This has to stop. No more drunken phone calls in the middle of the night. No more text messages about how you’re thinking of me. No more random hookups in hotel rooms where we pretend that Garrett and Aedan don’t exist. Just . . . fuck, Anders, just delete my number from your phone, forget where I live, and pretend you never met me. You walked out on me, Anders. You don’t get to just vanish into the night and then keep calling me whenever you’re lonely and want a good fuck. You walked away, and that means you have no right to be a part of my life anymore. You made your choice, Anders, so just . . . go enjoy your new life and leave me the hell alone to enjoy mine. This is goodbye, Anders. Forever. I . . . I mean it this time. I’m done. Don’t come here. I’m not going to come see you or answer your calls or anything. Not anymore. It’s over. We . . .”

He squeezed his eyes shut to keep the hot tears from tumbling out and betraying everything he knew he needed to do. You can do this, Nathaniel. You have to. You have to walk away now. For your sake, for Aedan’s, and for Anders’ most of all. If you love him, you have to force him to go. “We’re over, Anders. This is over. Goodbye.”

He jammed his finger hard against the screen to end the call before he could hear Anders’ cries of protest through the phone lines and change his mind, then heaved the phone as far away as he could manage, burying his face in the pillow amidst the sound of shattering glass and plastic cascading down to the floor. He pressed himself hard against the bed and sobbed until his stomach heaved and his body was drained.

( Chapter 2: Remorse, Regret )

I won't make mistakes like you again that's a promise to myself
all my memories of you are going on the shelf

Bethany found Nathaniel face down on the couch the next morning, an empty bottle of whiskey on its side beside a plate overflowing with ashes and cigarette butts. She didn’t say a word, just covered him with the blanket from his bed and propped a few pillows around him before planting a kiss to his forehead and slipping out the door. He knew he should say something. Should explain. Should apologize. But what could he say that would make any of this any different? Any better? Instead, he buried his face harder into the pillows and hoped maybe he’d die in his sleep so everything would stop hurting so fucking much.

She returned just before noon, pulling open the curtains to let in the rare Amaranthine sunshine. Nathaniel hissed against the brightness, burrowing farther into the blankets to escape the searing pain the light caused behind his eyes.

“I see you’re feeling better,” Bethany joked. “Sit up. You should eat something. I’ll make you some soup.”

He groaned at the thought as his whiskey-filled insides churned. “Ugh. No. No food. Don’t even mention food. Oh, Maker.”

Bethany shook her head, then leaned down to press a kiss against Nathaniel’s sweat-dampened temple. “Fine. Sleep it off, Champ. Don’t worry about me. I’ll continue covering for you in the four million super-important meetings you have scheduled today. You picked a great day for a relapse, by the way.”

Nathaniel reached for Bethany, pulling her down to the bed and curling around the comforting heat of her body. “Stay with me, Beth. I don’t want to be alone today. I can’t be. I’m not strong enough for this. It’s different this time. It’s just . . . I just . . . well, you see.” He gestured to the bottle that still lay on the floor beside the bed.

Bethany curled up beside Nathaniel in the bed and ran a hand across his forehead, brushing his sweat-dampened hair away from his face.

“What happened?”

Nathaniel squeezed his eyes shut. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Tough. I didn’t spend all morning making excuses about why you couldn’t be bothered to show up for open session just so you and I could not talk about this. Anyway, I heard most of it . . . your side anyway. The walls aren’t exactly soundproof in here, you know.”

“What’s there to say? It’s the same story as always. He calls. I answer. I tell myself I’m not going to let him get to me and then he does. The end.”

“Yes well. The end doesn’t usually end up with you finishing half a bottle of whiskey and passing out on the couch. At least not anymore.”

Nathaniel groaned. “He said he was coming to see me. That Sebastian wanted to. I told him not to, Beth. I told him I was done, but you know he doesn’t listen. He’s probably on his way here right now. I bet he jumped on a plane the second I hung up and any minute now I’ll get a text that’s just the name of his hotel and a time, and even though it will probably get both of us killed, I’ll still go to him. Because I can’t not go, you know, no matter how bad of an idea I know it is. I can’t say no to him, Beth. I never could. So I’ll go there and we’ll pretend we’re just two old friends catching up over drinks in the hotel bar, but we all know how it will end. And then Aedan . . .”

“I believe in you. I’ll be right here, whatever you need. Hell, I’ll even go down there and drag him back home if I have to. It’s my brother that’s on the other end of this whole thing, remember. Be strong. Ignore the text. Don’t answer the phone. If it actually rings.” She glanced over at the shattered remnants of Nathaniel’s phone on the floor next to the bedroom door. “I’m pretty sure that doesn’t work anymore.”

Nathaniel groaned into his hands. “If only it were as easy as ignoring him. I’ve tried that, you know. He doesn’t take no for an answer. If I don’t go to him, eventually he’ll show up here and then Aedan . . . Maker, Beth if he shows up here Aedan will kill him. I told him that, but he won’t listen. He never listens. He just does whatever he wants all the time and damn anyone or anything that gets in his way.”

Soft fingers brushed against Nathaniel’s cheek as Bethany stood to leave. “You gave him your decision. It’s not your fault if he chooses to ignore it. I’m here for you and when Aedan gets back in a few hours he’ll be here for you too. We’ll get through it Nate, just like we always do. For now, sleep. I’ll be back as soon as I can. I promise.”

Nathaniel rolled toward the door and watched her back as she left, then let his eyes flutter shut and he crashed once again into sleep.

“Nate? Hey, Love? What’s going on?” Aedan’s voice was laced with concern as he stepped through the front door of their small flat. Nathaniel supposed that was only fair. He wasn’t usually one to be passed out on the couch with an empty whiskey bottle and an overflowing plate of cigarette butts at his side at four in the afternoon. Not anymore, anyway.

Nathaniel tried to sit up, but his head spun and his stomach lurched and all he managed in greeting was a low moan.

“I tried to call but it went straight to voicemail. Rough night?”

“I broke my phone.”

“I’ll say,” Aedan said, lifting the remnants of Nathaniel’s shattered and cracked phone from where it still lay beside the wall. “What the fuck went on around here while I was gone? You almost look worse than you did when I found you passed out on the steps of the Denerim Royal palace. . .” He stopped short, putting the pieces together. “Anders.”

Nathaniel nodded, then groaned as his entire body protested the movement.

“I’m going to fucking kill that asshole, Nathaniel, I swear it. After I punch him in his stupid fucking face. This shit has got to fucking stop. I’m going up there and I’m going to cock punch him as hard as I fucking can and then I’m going to fucking strangle him until he begs for mercy. But mercy’s not a thing he’ll ever get from me. I want nothing more than to hear his screams of agony until he finally begs me for death.”

“Don’t, Aedan. It’s not worth it. Besides, I told him it was over. For real this time. I’ll get a new phone and change my number and it’s over, okay? Just . . . I don’t want to talk about Anders anymore. If you absolutely have to kill someone then kill me before I die from this fucking hangover.”

Aedan stormed down the hallway and into the small room Bethany used as an office, slamming the door shut behind him. “What. The fuck. Went on. Last night?”

Bethany pulled her glasses off and dropped them on the desk, rubbing her hands as she closed her computer and turned to face Aedan. “I don’t know. At least, not all of it. He’s not really talking. I mean, Anders, obviously and I think something about Sebastian Vael of all people, but I couldn’t get the rest out of him. Honestly, Aedan, I have no clue.”

“So you decided the solution was to hand him a bottle of whiskey and leave him alone to drown his sorrows? Brilliant, Beth. Fucking brilliant.”

“I had nothing to do with that, thanks, but don’t’ think I don’t appreciate the vote of confidence. I was the one who ultimately got him sober in the first place, remember? Honestly, I have no idea where he got it. He must have dug around the whole building until he found it. It’s bad this time, Aedan. Worse than usual.”

Aedan dropped down to the spare chair and ran his hands through his hair. “Wait until I get my hands on that little shit. I’ve got more than half a mind to grab the next plane up there and just . . .” he wrapped his hands in the air in a strangling motion and shook them violently.

“You’re the Arl of Amaranthine. You can’t just fly up to Kirkwall and strangle someone because you feel like it.”

“Technically Nate’s the Arl of Amaranthine, I’m just the Commander of Ferelden Special Forces. I can do whatever the fuck I want.”

Bethany rolled her eyes. “Calm down. Go back in there and take care of Nate. I’ll call my brother and see if he knows anything about any of this. Don’t do anything you’ll regret, Aedan. Let’s just take care of our own and see how this sorts out.”

“Okay, but if that sonofabitch shows up on my doorstep later today I reserve the right to shoot first and ask questions later.”

( Chapter 3: This Ruined Puzzle )

but what if the pages stay pressed, the chapters unfinished, the stories too dull to unfold?
Does he ever get the girl?

Anders, his hair and clothes dirty and disheveled, the stubble on his face threatening to grow into a full-fledged beard, stumbled out of the tiny airport into the Amaranthine sunshine. He squinted against the harsh light assaulting his eyes, bloodshot from lack of sleep and a few too many drinks a few short hours before. The smells of Amaranthine, once a town he’d thought to call home, slammed into him from all sides. Dust, old ale, unwashed bodies, fresh baked bread resting on a window sill, and above it all, the uniquely Ferelden smell of wet dog. Anders crinkled up his nose in disgust. Sure, most of Kirkwall smelled like sewage and dead fish, but that had to be better than this, right?

He fished a pair of sunglasses out of his hastily-packed courier bag and made his way through streets just starting to fill with commuters, shops and cafés propping their doors and windows open to welcome their first customers of the day. The smell of coffee drifted toward Anders as he passed a nearby café and he nearly ducked in until he remembered that compared to the coffee in Kirkwall, even the best cup he could get here would be little more than swill. Best just get to the hotel and settle in. A drink and a few hours sleep would set him just as right anyway.

He didn’t have to think about where he was going, his feet still knew the way. Down Main, right on South Street, left onto Park until the hotel loomed before him. The doorman greeted him cheerfully, but Anders didn’t miss the dour glare as the man scanned Anders’ dirty jeans and rumpled dress shirt. Anders ignored him and made his way to the desk, fishing his wallet out of his back pocket and dropping his credit card and ID down onto the counter.

“I need a room please. A suite, preferably, if there’s one open. Any chance 1437 is free?”

The woman behind the desk also frowned at his disheveled state, but took his ID and began typing away at the computer in front of her. “Let’s see, Mister . . . “

“Doctor,” Anders corrected. “Don’t bother trying to pronounce it, you’ll never manage.”

The woman blinked up at him. “Oh. Ah. It does look like we do have a few suites left.” She paused, staring back at her screen. “Is this the first time you’ll be staying with us?”

Anders didn’t bother to stifle his laugh. “Hardly.”

Back to the screen again, more mouse clicking and key pressing. “Ah. It looks as though it’s free, yes. Would you like me to use this card for incidentals and payment?”

Anders nodded. The woman clicked some more, typed some more, disappeared into the door behind the desk, and returned with a smile, keycard in her hand. “Everything’s all set. Room fourteen thirty-seven. Do you know your way?”

“Yes, thanks.”

“My pleasure, Doctor . . .” she stared down at his name again, really ready to give it a go this time.

“Anders. Anders is fine.”

“Oh-kay. I’ll send someone up with your complimentary beverage. We offer . . .”

“I’ll have a whiskey and orange juice. I’ll pay the overage. Thank you.”

Anders pressed the button for the elevator and stared down at his clothes, still reeking of smoke and spilled beer from his night out in Kirkwall. He should probably head out and see if he could find anything even close to fashionable in this dirty Ferelden town, but he didn’t have the energy. Maybe after breakfast.

The floors dinged past as he and the elevator operator rode up in silence. When the doors opened he pulled out a crumpled bill, Kirkwall currency, and pressed it into the operator’s hand before winding his way down the familiar corridors. Room fourteen thirty-seven. Corner suite overlooking the skyline with a beautiful view of the sparkling Amaranthine Ocean and away from all the dust and noise of the city below. Anders shoved his keycard in the slot and pressed the handle down, taking a deep breath as he stepped into the familiar surroundings. So many memories inside these walls. So many ghosts of his past.

He stripped off his rumpled shirt and sniffed at it then grimaced and pulled off his jeans as well, dropping both into one of the laundry bags hanging in the closet then shoving the bag outside the door and pressing the button to alert the front desk. He might as well shower. Rest for a bit. Relax. He wanted nothing more than to send Nathaniel a text, but he knew better than to rush things. Not this time. This time it wasn’t all just about drunken sex as they groped together in the dark, driving against one another with their shared, intoxicating need. This was his last chance. He needed to do it right this time. He’d fucked up, he knew. He’d always known. But if he was ever going to make it right, something he should have done years ago, now was the time. Nathaniel’s ultimatum the previous night had made that clear. This time he needed to do everything in his power to make it right, or he’d lose the only person in his life who’d ever truly meant anything to him forever. And if that happened, well, he might as well go see Aedan Cousland and promptly stop living.

After lounging around the hotel room for hours in a faded t-shirt and sweats—the only marginally clean clothes he’d managed to grab from the laundry room of Hawke’s mansion before he’d left—Anders reached for his phone. Four pm. Late enough. Nathaniel would work all day and all night if he had the opportunity, Anders knew, but his meetings at least should be wrapping up.

He called down to the front desk and inquired about his laundry. The man who answered assured him that the truck usually arrived at five, so Anders ordered up a bottle of champagne and the bottle of the finest Amaranthine whiskey they could find, then climbed from the bed and headed to the bathroom to ready himself. He shaved off most of his three-days growth of beard, though he didn’t worry about shaving too closely, knowing how much the scratch of stubble along bare skin turned Nathaniel on. He pulled at his hair with his fingers, straightening it as best he could, wishing he could somehow magically stretch it out. His shorter hair was more practical for bending over an operating table day and night, but he knew how much Nathaniel had loved winding his fingers through Anders’ shoulder length hair as they pulsed together. How the sharp tugs at the back of his scalp made Anders come completely undone in Nathaniel’s arms.

When he was done and the champagne was in its ice bucket, the bottle of whiskey was nestled between two crystal glasses on the small table in the corner, and he’d finished fastening the last button on his freshly washed and pressed shirt, Anders reached for his phone.

Nathaniel’s number greeted him at the top of the list as he flicked open his messaging app.

Min kærlighed. My love.

He managed a sad smile as he tapped the screen. Nathaniel had said not to call. Not to text. He’d told him to forget about him. As if it were possible for Anders to forget Nathaniel Howe. As if Anders could ever conceive of a life without him. He may have chosen to run away to Kirkwall to give their relationship the space it needed, but Nathaniel had to know that neither of them could exist without at least the thought of one day returning to the other. Not anymore.

He smiled down at the message he’d pressed out on the screen. At the Crown. You know the room. I’m sorry, Love. Please don’t push me away. Come here and let me show you how much you mean to me.

He dropped the phone to the bed and flopped back against the pillows. What if Nathaniel had really meant it this time when he told Anders he was done? That it was over. What if it was too late? What if all of his selfish stupidity had finally made him miss his chance? No. No. Nathaniel would come. Nathaniel always came. He always answered. They needed each other like they needed breath. Whenever Anders felt like he was drowning, Nathaniel was his air. No matter how many times he fucked up, no matter how many times he made the stupid choice and flew out of Ferelden and away from the damned service that he never asked for in a country that was never his in the first place and back to whatever passed for a normal life in Kirkwall, Nathaniel would still be there the moment Anders needed him to be.

Anders had been right to leave, ultimately, and for the most part, life in Kirkwall was so much easier than life with the Wardens had ever been. He had his own medical practice. Cutting edge research. He lived in a house with so many rooms that he still hadn’t even seen them all. He was happy there. Happier than he’d been as a soldier watching the man he loved spend more and more time fixing this fucked up town and less time in bed with him. He was happy enough with Hawke, certainly, and he almost never regretted the choice he’d made.

It was just that sometimes Anders couldn’t stand any of it anymore. Sometimes he needed so badly to hear Nathaniel’s voice and to feel Nathaniel inside of him and to press himself inside of Nathaniel. Maybe someday it wouldn’t be so hard to leave him behind. Maybe someday he could hear someone say Nathaniel’s name and everything inside of him wouldn’t just come apart and he wouldn’t need the reassurance of Nathaniel’s voice and Nathaniel’s strong arms. It wasn’t so often anymore. It didn’t always hurt so badly. Someday he would be okay. Someday.

He glanced down at his phone. Fifteen minutes. No answer. He resisted the urge to send another text. Maybe he was out. More likely, he was working. He had an Arling to run, Anders reminded himself. Nathaniel was always busy. Too busy for Anders. Too important. Too preoccupied.

Anders reached for the bottle of whiskey on the table and poured himself a glass. The stuff was strong and it burned Anders’ insides all the way down, but he needed it, needed something. He couldn’t just sit here and wait for Nathaniel to have time to get around to him, as usual.

( Chapter 4: If You're Lucky, No One Will Get Hurt )

“He’s not answering my calls, Beth. I can’t do anything about it.”

“Can’t you, like, GPS track him through his phone or something?”

“What am I, his fucking mother? I don’t have him GPS chipped, Beth. He’s a grown man.”

“We need to find him, Garett.”

“I know, Bethany. I fucking know. Look, I didn’t exactly plan on flying to Ferelden today to chase after someone I stupidly decided to fall in whatever passes for love these days with while he chases after his old boyfriend, who happens to also be my little sister’s boss or fuck buddy or whatever the fuck it is that you two do. Fuck, Beth. Just . . . fuck.” Hawke pulled at his short, dark hair, making it stick out at odd angles.

Bethany reached out and put a hand on her brother’s arm. “Sorry, Gare. We’re not the biggest fans of Anders around here, you know, and sometimes I forget how much he means to you. I’m sorry to get you involved, I just didn’t know what else to do.”

“No, it’s beyond time for me to get involved. I knew this was happening, but he always came back home in a few days. From my standpoint it wasn’t really hurting anything and it’s usually better to avoid these sorts of fights with him so I let it go on too long. It’s time for this to end. I think all of us can agree on that point.”

“Can you call him again?”

“There’s no point, Beth. He’s ignoring my calls. There’s nothing I can do. I can’t make him answer the phone. Maker knows I can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to do.”

“I just wish we knew where he was staying. You honestly have no idea?”

“No. He never talks about Ferelden or Nate or the Wardens or Amaranthine or really any of this at all. I have no idea where he’d go once he got here. He’s done this before though, yeah? You don’t know where they meet? If there’s some place from their past?”

Bethany shook her head. “We try to actively discourage Nate from discussing anything having to do with Anders.”

The siblings leaned back against the couch that Aedan had forced Nathaniel to vacate in favor of the bed, silence falling heavy between them as the searched for even the spark of an idea.

“We need to figure this out, Gare,” Bethany whispered. “We need to find Anders before Aedan finds out he’s here and decides to take matters into his own hands.”

“What can we do, Beth? I’m tapped out of ideas.”

Bethany’s eyes brightened as she sat forward, snapping her fingers. “I’ve got it! Credit card. You said he was gone when you woke up, and it was well past three when he called Nate, so he couldn’t have had time to get cash, right? Wherever he’s staying, he probably paid for it with his credit card. Can’t we track it?”

Hawke threw both hands in the air and flashed her an exasperated glare. “How exactly do you think I’m going to track his credit card, Beth? What am I, the fucking police?”

“No,” a gruff voice said from behind them, “but I am. More or less.”

Bethany’s eyes went wide as she stammered for words. “Aedan. I . . . that is . . . I can explain . . .”

“Save it,” Aedan said. “Garrett Hawke, I presume. Champion of Kirkwall and all that nonsense. I assume you’re not here for a social call.”

“I . . .” Hawke said, not doing much better than his sister at finding his words.

“Where is he?”

Hawke opened his mouth then closed it again before he shrugged and shook his head. “I have no idea. I don’t even know for sure if he’s here.”

“If he’s not in Kirkwall then he’s here. And I made it clear he was never to show his face anywhere near Amaranthine again or I would . . . “

“Aedan.” Bethany’s voice was pleading. “Stop. Please just stop. Garrett is here to find him and take him home. There’s no need for you to get involved.”

“The hell there isn’t. This needs to stop. It needed to fucking stop years ago, but apparently I’m the only one with the balls to actually do something about it. He can’t just fucking destroy everything in his path and then just show up and expect everything to work out when he needs it to. Maybe you and Nathaniel don’t care about these little mind games Anders is playing with all of us, but I’m beyond done with it. Now, if you won’t find him, then I will. Even if it means searching every Maker-forsaken room in every blighted hotel in this fucking town until I find him. He is not welcome here. Not in my house and not in my city and not in my fucking Arling.”

“It’s my Arling, actually.” Nathaniel said, staggering out of the open bedroom door into the living room where they were all gathered. “For better or worse.”

He was dressed only in loose cotton pajama pants that hung low around his waist, the laces not quite tied all the way. His dark hair was damp with sweat and clung to his forehead. Deep blue bruises circled his grey eyes and his face was flushed. He clung to the doorframe as though he might topple over if he loosened his grip.

He raised his eyes until they fixed on Garrett’s, scanning him up and down. “Garrett Hawke. I suppose it’s past time we met face to face. Forgive me, but I’m a bit . . . under the weather right now.”

Garrett looked away from Nathaniel’s intense stare. Bethany had never seen her brother look this uncomfortable before, not even during the strictest lecture from their father on how he needed to learn to be the man of the house and stop chasing everything with a pulse before he got them all in trouble.

“Go back and lay down, Nate,” Aedan said, his voice suddenly soft as he turned toward Nathaniel. “I’ll bring you some food in a minute. Anything you want?”

“You’re looking for Anders.” Nathaniel’s focus didn’t leave Garrett; his words weren’t a question.

“Hey,” Aedan’s voice is still soft, but firmer this time. “I said go rest. I got this.”

“I’ve been resting all day, Aedan. I don’t need to rest.”

“Nathaniel.” Aedan was no longer asking. “I’ve got this.”

Nathaniel turned his stare from Hawke to Aedan. “Don’t do anything stupid, Aedan. I might allegedly be in charge around here, but there are some things even I can’t get you out of, you understand me?”

“I’ve got it, Nate.”

“Aedan.” Nathaniel’s grey eyes burned at him even through the redness of a night of uncontrolled sobbing. “Promise me.”

“Nate.”

“Promise, Aedan. Promise me you won’t.”

Aedan pulled Nathaniel close to him and wrapped him in a hug. “Someday you’re going to have to stop protecting him from all the shit he gets himself wrapped up in, you know that?”

Nathaniel closed his eyes and let Aedan escort him back to the bed. It didn’t matter. Anders was in Amaranthine, and there was only one place he’d go once he got here.

He lay back on the bed, letting Aedan think he was in control here. Aedan smiled down at him, though his eyes were tight and the look was forced. “I’ll have someone bring you some food. Bread. Maybe some soup. Sound good?”

Nathaniel nodded, then closed his eyes, feigning a return to sleep until he heard the door close behind Aedan. He sat up, but remained in the bed, listening to the low hum of hushed voices beyond the door. He needed to warn Anders somehow, finally get him to believe that if he didn’t leave town immediately and never come back, Aedan Cousland would almost certainly put a high-velocity bullet straight through his brilliant brain. He grabbed the remnants of his phone from where it now sat on the bedside table and shook it, fingers jabbing at the screen, desperate to make it turn on, just for a few minutes. Long enough to send a text. A warning. Get out of town before Aedan finds you. Go away and never come back here. I love you so much Anders. That’s why I need you to leave. For good this time.

Nothing. No response from his phone. The screen was shattered, the battery half hanging out the back. It was beyond repair. Nathaniel eased himself from the bed, trying not to make a sound. He’d spent years training as a sniper, an assassin. He used to be able to move so silently that he could knife three men in broad daylight before anyone realized the first one had hit the ground. But that was years ago and even if he were still in anything resembling fighting shape, he wasn’t exactly operating at full capacity right now. He crept toward the door, making note of each of the spots where the floorboards would creak under his feet. He paused at the door, ear pressed against the heavy wood, desperate to get some snatch of the conversation. Did they know where Anders was? Would they find him?

“. . . idea has merit,” Aedan was saying. “I can track his financials. It may take a bit to show up, but I can get some guys on it.”

“This all feels so . . . I don’t know. . . creepy. Can’t we just let him be? Nate’s phone is broken, he told Anders not to call, and I’m pretty sure even Anders isn’t stupid enough to try to show up here. Not while he knows you’re around. Eventually won’t he just give up and go back home?”

“Anders isn’t the give up and go home type, Beth.” Hawke’s voice. Low and gruff, nothing like the sweet innocence that laced his sister’s tone. “Especially not when it comes to Nathaniel Howe.”

“He has no right,” Aedan said. “No fucking right.”

“I agree.” Hawke’s words had a tone of finality.

There was silence for a few moments, but Nathaniel could hear the three moving about in the other room. He crouched lower, laying on the hard wood of the floor to peer through the gap beneath the door.

“We’re certainly not going to get anything done standing around here staring at one another,” Aedan said, shattering the heavy silence of the room.

“What do you propose?” Hawke asked.

“I don’t know. Something. Anything. You two head down to my office and we’ll see if we can track him anywhere. I’ll go check on Nate then I’ll catch you up.”

Nathaniel leaped to his feet and rushed back to the bed. He managed to fold himself up in the blankets and slam his eyes shut just as the door eased open.

Aedan stuck his head in, then walked to the bed and stared down at Nathaniel. He gently brushed Nathaniel’s hair back and pressed soft lips to his temple. Nathaniel gave a small, contented noise and mocked squirming in his sleep at the touch. Aedan stood up and whispered low over Nathaniel’s mock-sleeping form. “I love you so much, Nate. So much it hurts. I always have, and I probably always will. I hope you know that. I hope it’s enough. I know you’ll hate me for a while, maybe forever, but I’ll never give up hope that someday you’ll be able to forgive me for what I have to do.”

Nathaniel waited until he heard the outer door to their suite close, then counted to three hundred, giving Aedan a five-minute head start down to his office, and climbed from the bed. He rummaged through his drawers, yanking out a pair of jeans and a grey v-neck sweater that Bethany always told him made the steel grey of his eyes even more intense. He pulled them both on in haste, then made his way toward the bathroom at the far end of the room, grimacing as he caught his reflection in the mirror. It looked like someone had punched him in both eyes. Repeatedly. With as much force as possible. He filled the basin with cold water and splashed his face, grabbing a cloth and pressing it against both eyes for a few minutes to make the swelling go down at least a little. His hair was dirty and matted with sweat, but he tied it back in his usual meticulous braids and hoped he at least looked passable. He was out of time. He had to get to Anders before Aedan did.

He dashed back to the bed and grabbed his keys and wallet off the end table, briefly lifting up his mangled phone before dropping it back down to the table and creeping out into the rest of the suite and down the hallway toward the delivery door at the back of the keep.

comments

[Podfic] Truth or Dare -- Part 1 (Football RPF)

Thu, 22 Jan 2015 02:57:43 GMT

Title: Truth or Dare (Part 1)
Author: melungeoned|dollylux
Reader: itsadrizzit
Fandom: Football RPF (Spanish National Team)
Pairing: Sergio Ramos/Fernando Torres, Iker Casillas/Cesc Fàbregas, Xabi Alonso/Steven Gerrard, Iker Casillas/Sergio Ramos, David Beckham/Iker Casillas, David Silva/David Villa, Raúl González/José María Gutiérrez
Rating: Explicit
Summary: Sergio Ramos, Fernando Torres, Iker Casillas, and Cesc Fábregas play an on-going game of Truth or Dare whenever they meet up for La Seléccion.
Notes: Part 1 of 6. This covers chapters 1 - 6 of the original fic.

Thanks so much to Dollylux for writing this and for giving me permission to record it. Despite being a Dutchie, all the sad pictures of Iker at WK2014 basically just broke my heart so much that I had to go seek out some fic. This was getting posted here on AO3 at the same time and it was simultaneously everything I needed and even more heartbreaking in places. I consumed it obsessively (making myself late for work on more than one occasion) until it was over, and then I read it again. Safe to say this fic changed my life...and now all of a sudden (much to the dismay of my Hotspur-loving family) I go out of my way to watch the Chelsea match every weekend just so I can coo at Cesc.

Was recording this fic a little self-indulgent? Yes. But it's one of the most beautiful, life changing things I ever read and the more time I spend with it, the deeper down this well I fall. And I'm loving every second of it.

Length: 01:20:24

Download and Streaming at Box.com: MP3 (148.9 MB)|
M4B (78.2 MB)

AO3 Link (includes in-browser streaming): Podfic
AO3 Text Link: Text

comments

Dear Podficcer Letter: ITPE 2014

Fri, 10 Oct 2014 20:45:55 GMT

Dear Podficcer,

I feel like I'm really bad at these and I always miss stuff and I'm really mono-fannish, so I hope I'm not making it too hard for you. I promise you that I will love whatever you gift me, because the sheer fact that someone took the time to make anything just for me is enough of a great feeling to make me happy and grateful to you, no matter what.

With that, here's me trying to provide you some guidance in whatever ways I can.

Fandoms/Pairings:

Dragon Age. My absolute primary forever OTP is Anders/Nathaniel How. I also appreciate some Anders/M!Hawke, Fenris/Hawke, Bethany/Nathaniel Howe, Sebastian Vael/Nathaniel Howe, fic about Zevran, and pretty much anything involving Isabela (especially Isabela/Cullen if you can manage to round that up) and occasional other things...especially gen fic about people in the DA universe just plain being awesome, but Nathaniel/Anders is always going to be the best
Welcome to Night Vale.Carlos/Cecil. Will also do some gen fic in this fandom if it's cleverly written. I really like fic that's written from the Carlos POV (or really any POV that's not Cecil's) since we basically don't get that in the actual show.
Football (soccer) RPF. This is a new recent weakness of mine and I seem to have tripped and fallen. Hard. Real Madrid and/or Spanish National team, especially anything where Iker Casillas is involved. Iker Casillas/Sergio Ramos, Iker Casillas/David Beckham, Iker Casillas/Cesc Fabregas, Sergio Ramos/Fernando Torres, Cristiano Renaldo/Gareth Bale, Gareth Bale/Luka Modric. Also pretty much anything that involves Rafael Van Der Vaart and/or Robin Van Persie and/or Stefan DeVrij since I also love the Netherlands National Team.
Castle. Kevin Ryan/Javier Esposito. I really don't ship anything else on this show, but I ship this pretty hard.
Merlin. Merlin/Arthur or most things with Lancelot or Gwaine Admittedly, I read very little fic in this fandom, but I really enjoyed the show on a deep level so I'm betting if I took the time to get involved I'd be pretty into this fandom.
The Dark Is Rising book series. Bran/Will. If you find one of these and podfic it for me I'd probably be totally thrilled because it's super obscure.
Sleepy Hollow (TV). Ichabod Crane/Abbie Mills. That's pretty much it.
BBC Robin Hood. Robin/Marion, Gisborne/Marion. Robin/Gisborne. Any and all gen fic, especially gen fic featuring antics!
Once Upon a Time. It's all Emma/Hook for me.
Doctor Who. New Who, almost exclusively. I adore Amy/Rory beyond all imagination. Not a fan of Clara at all. I mostly really like gen fic here, but am open to a lot of things. The only Classic Who I really like is anything involving 5.
Torchwood. Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones.
Forgotten Realms. Not all of it, just the Drizzt universe stuff. I'm a sucker for Drizzt/Artemis Entreri ANYTHING.
There is probably other stuff I like, so feel free to ask me about things. I have anonymous commenting turned on for the duration of the exchange. I watch a lot more shows than this, but don't really get involved in the fanworks side of them, so if you have a great idea that's in another fandom (I enjoy Supernatural (through season 5, but no Wincest...mostly Destiel, probably), Angel, and Buffy...just to name a few.)

AU's--especially the high school/modern/coffee shops/sports/ mundane AUs. I pretty much adore them.
Relationship building--I have a HUUUUGE soft spot for the 'this is how we got together" story
Angsty stuff. Seriously...as long as things get resolved at the end, I totally love fic that drags the characters through pretty much the lowest-low and back then ends on some sort of comfort note.

Things I don't like

Pure PWP
Really kinky things (they just don't do it for me, mostly. I'll read them, but I mostly don't find them interesting)
non-happy endings
dub-con/non-con. (not that I don't like it, but basically proceed with caution. I might like it, I might not...totally depends on the situation.)
Character bashing
kidfic

Feel free to podfic any of my fic here or anything on my bookmarks list or really anything you see fit. I love most things from cute, fluffy stories to serious relationship building, to total angst (as long as it ends on a happy note). I will turn on anonymous commenting, so feel free to get in touch with me here or on my tumblr at itsadrizzit.tumblr.com if you have questions or wonder if something is okay.

Thanks so much and happy podficcing!

comments

Podfic: The Remnant of A Troubled Life (Sleepy Hollow)

Sat, 28 Dec 2013 15:30:44 GMT

Title: The Remnant of a Troubled Life
Author: garafthel (sister_wolf)
Reader: itsadrizzit
Fandom: Sleepy Hollow (TV)
Pairing: Ichabod Crane/Abbie Mills
Rating: Mature
Summary: Abbie wants a vacation, Ichabod would throw over the Revolution for PBS, and the platonic sleeping together maybe isn't so platonic anymore.
Notes: For analise010. Commissioned for the fandomaid Typhoon Haiyan fundraiser.

Length: 00:19:30

Download and streaming (Box.com): MP3 (18.2 MB) | M4B (9.3 MB)

AO3 Link (includes in-browser streaming): Podfic
AO3 Text Link: Text

comments

ATL: The Dance

Thu, 21 Nov 2013 17:09:57 GMT

This is a short chapter, but I think it's an important one. We get to see the first interplay between the three major players. We get just a hint of backstory for Jo as well as a peek into the past of Jo and Nate. In addition, Anders' conflicting feelings kind of fill me with glee (because I'm a mean, mean writer) and Nate being downright awful in the sexiest way possible is a little hot, even to me, and I wrote it.

The bits at the beginning about Anders not being able to sleep weren't in there originally., but I had a discussion (or watched someone else have a discussion, idek anymore) about the warden dreams and how they might affect mages differently than others and how Anders is basically really messed up anyway so probably nightmares about darkspawn aren't a thing he deals with well, so I thought I'd write in a bit of a throughplot about Anders coming to terms with all the new stuff that comes along with being a warden.

( Chapter 4: The Dance )

comments